A mother in a Waldorf parent-child program submitted a question about aggressive behavior from her three-year-old son:
"The struggle we are facing is that our son can be aggressive with the other
kids. Some instances it is a circumstance in which he and another child
both want the same toy and he will try and pull it away- this I can deal
with. Other times it seems as though it is out of nowhere- he will just
push another child or hit them on the top of the head with his hand. The
teahers in our class and the other parents are very supportive to us and
encourage us to let this all play out. My question is "do you have any
suggestions for us to help with this agression?" This situation is not
soley at the mommy and me, it happens with his cousin, who he plays with as
well. What tools can we use to help him control the agression? Any advice is
welcome. Thank you!"
Cynthia replies:
The situation you have described with your son is not unusual. Children between 2-3 years old are in an amazing place in life - like having their feet in two worlds. One world is that of the toddler who is mostly centered around self, with "me, mine, and no" being a major part of the vocabulary. The other is the world of the "not quite, but almost" pre-schooler who wants to connect to other children and play with them but does not quite know how yet. He is still primarily in "parallel play" where the children play side by side but do not really share very well yet. Thus, they grab and bonk!
We can, as the parents and adults who care for them, feel sympathy for the phase they are going through, yet we are also called upon to help them develop the social skills needed to be in a group if we are going to have them in groups.
Certainly in a situation where another child is getting hurt by your son, the word "no" or the word "stop" are fitting. Have you ever heard the story "Sweet Porridge"? Your playgroup leader probably knows it. It is a good one to tell as it uses the phrase "stop, little pot, stop" when the porridge pot boils over. When I was a kindergarten teacher, I often told that story at the beginning of the year. Then to a child who was "boiling over" I could say , "Stop! Just like the little pot, now it's time for you to stop!"
The important thing to remember with little ones is that gesture and movement are what they most respond to, not just words alone. So, if we are sitting still and calling out to them, it is usually ineffective. We have to move with our words. For example, getting up and clapping your hands when you say,"Stop."
By observing your son closely, perhaps you and your husband can get a sense for what triggers his aggression. Is it most often just before he is hungry or when he has been on the go too much or when another child does something in particular? If you can get a sense for a pattern, you can sometimes diffuse the situation by redirecting your child's attention before he becomes aggressive. For example, if he tends to fall apart about a half hour before the program ends, then maybe your signal is that you need to leave a half hour early and let him build up his social stamina over time. I also have seen parents take their little one outside for awhile for a breather.
Particularly for children with no siblings, their first group experience can be a bit overwhelming. They have not had to share before. Since he is approaching three, you can begin to take a closer look at the structure you have at home also. Are you giving in to him when you need to stand firm? Now is the time when you can expect him to learn how to wait for things - for example, at meal time try serving your plate and your husband's first and then your son so he can grow accustomed to not always being first at everything.
I remember when my youngest son was that age. When my husband would come home from work, I needed to be reminded that I was still bigger than my son. He was such a strong little being that developing structure and form for him was a big challenge. On the other hand, he was very endearing and extremely funny. Now he is a very successful business man and meets obstacles with ease.
One further suggestion - before you enter playgroup or enter the home of your son's cousin, take a moment to get down on his level, give him a big hug and slow down. Sometimes children just need time to pause. Ask yourself whether or not you are in a rush when you go out of the house. Plan time for him to get on his coat and boots, for example, without feeling rushed.
Also, some children do not do well if they are the last ones to arrive. They feel chaotic if the other children are already fully involved in play. If that is the case with your son, you can try arriving a few minutes early so he can settle a bit before the other children come. Help him to choose an activity that easily lends itself to the involvement of others. For example, if there is some "precious" toy that all the children fight over, guide him toward something else to begin with, so that when the other children arrive, he won't be in a position to have to "defend" his turf.
Finally, check your own breathing in situations where your child acts out. Sometimes it can be helpful for you both to get a drink of water and a breath of fresh air. And whenever possible find something to laugh about. Laughter regulates breathing and releases all kinds of tension. It is an elixir of life.
I know there are more suggestions, but this is probably enough for now.
Sending you all good wishes, Cynthia

I agree with what you said above about three year olds being in the middle of toddlerhood and pre-school transition. I try to remember this in my classroom every day. Any suggestions for a teacher with 15 of these kids in a class? My class dynamics are just unbelievable. I have 12 boys and 3 girls. All age 3. I work everyday on teaching them how to relate socially but I still feel like I am drowning in temper tantrums, aggressive behavior, and yelling (them, not me).
I need some advice that I can do on a larger scale than the example before. I use the word "no" firmly when there is dangerous or aggressive behavior. I separate them for safety when a child is overly excited and needs some calm "down time" or when they have been overly aggressive. But everyday it is the same yelling, same fighting, same behavior.
Any suggestions on something to help me make it through the rest of the school year? I have a degree in Education and I feel as lost as if I didn't spend a day in school.